In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual
physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack logs to the
following experiments:
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EXPOSURE:
A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for four days,
during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were
observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis,
birds -- even pigeons -- avoided this potential source of sustenance.
Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its
original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be
substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on
the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling, however, retained
its advertised "creaminess."
RADIATION:
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven,
which was set for precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of
bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich,
characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After 1 minute, this aroma
began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was
aborted after 2 minutes, 10 seconds, when thick, foul smoke began billowing from
the top of the oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same
experiment. This Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When cooled,
this now epoxy like filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity; it
was removed only upon application of a butter knife.
EXTREME FORCE:
A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a
fall of approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto
its back. The expected "splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed,
the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its
underside. Otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.
EXTREME COLD:
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for
24 hours. Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but
its physical properties had noticeably "slowed": the filling was found to be the
approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercury like
property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was noticed that
the Twinkie had generously absorbed freezer odors.
EXTREME HEAT:
A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2
minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of
its "cream holes" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however,
produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed during the irradiation
experiment.
IMMERSION:
A Twinkie was dropped into a large beaker filled with
tap water. The Twinkie floated momentarily began to list and sink, and
viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a
water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie had bloated
substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan – in contrast to the
yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when
touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie was
found to have bloated to roughly 200 percent of its original size, the water had
turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of
the "cream holes." Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further
analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure, the Twinkie disintegrated
into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.
SUMMARY OF RESULTS
The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop,
along with some of the unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling"
and artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who would
unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as "food." Further clinical inquiry
is required before any definite conclusions can be drawn.